Pick the Right Battles.
Before you start criticizing your mate for doing something like forgetting to take an umbrella to work when rain is predicted, ask yourself the wise question, “Does this affect me?” In this case, it doesn’t. He arrived home all wet, not you. So don’t pick that battle. Rather than using a “fight line” like, “I told you to bring an umbrella. Why don’t you listen to me?” (which leads to a defensive response), use a compassionate love line like, “You’re all wet. Let me get you a towel.”
Give a Character Compliment.
In researching my book we did an on-line survey and found some results that could help us all have better marriages. Not only do people like being complimented once a day, they like receiving a special kind of compliment. When we asked people “would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?” the result was that 84 percent of people said “kind.” The lesson: find daily opportunities to compliment your mate’s character, rather than his tie or her sweater. And don’t be afraid to share this research study with your mate and ask him if he’ll join you in the daily compliment challenge.
Avoid Premature Arguments.
My clients are smart people, who often have dumb arguments. One type of these unnecessary battles is so common that it threatens every relationship (including my own). I call it the “premature argument.” Look out for those times when you and your mate get in a brawl about a decision that doesn’t need to be made for weeks, months or years, such as whether to move to a house or apartment in a couple years, where to go for Mother’s Day … next year, where to go for summer vacation, or even when to schedule a certain doctor appointment when you don’t have the facts yet on the doctor’s availability (my parents nearly had that premature argument yesterday!). When you realize you’re arguing about something prematurely, stop yourself and say, “Hey, we don’t need to have this argument yet. Let’s hold off until time passes and we have more information.”
Show You Care.
A little bit of remembering shows a lot of love. If you know your mate has an important meeting, appointment, etc., be sure to follow up with your partner. Call, email, text or ask in person, “How did it go?” This sends a clear message: I care about you. Try to do this on a weekly, if not daily, basis. And if you don’t have anything to follow up on, that’s a sign that you don’t know what is going on in your mate’s days. So start asking, listening and remembering.
Disagree Without Being Disagreeable.
An easy way to start a fight is to say, “You’re wrong” or “that’s a stupid idea!” Meanwhile, a perfect way make the same point in a friendly way is to use a wise question. In the moment that you know you disagree with your mate, ask, “Why do you think that?” Listen to the answer first, and then feel free to disagree. By holding your tongue and listening first (even if it’s only for a minute), you show respect. The result: Your mate is willing to listen to your point of view. That’s how to turn a conflict into a conversation.
The values we hold dear to us – respect, appreciation, compassion, loyalty and companionship – are fostered or destroyed every day by our word choices and actions. If you follow these 5 tips, you should see a quick improvement in your relationship. The wiser your words, the better your relationship.
Use Your Ears, Not Your Mouth
If you find yourself sounding like a playlist on repeat, try pressing pause. "Research has found that unhappy couples tend to repeat themselves out of desperation to be heard, which isn't productive. They wind up talking at each other instead of having a dialogue," says Benjamin Karney, Ph.D., codirector of the Relationship Institute at the University of California at Los Angeles.
Don't Make It Personal
In the heat of an argument, the gloves often come off. The problem, notes Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., director of relationship education at the Council for Relationships in Philadelphia, is that once nasty insults start flying around and feelings are hurt, nothing will be resolved.
Also, according to a study conducted at the University of Chicago, our brains have a built-in "negativity bias," which causes us to be more responsive to unpleasant news. Why? Back in caveman times, our survival as a species was dependent on our ability to stay out of danger, so our brains developed protective systems that made it impossible to overlook the bad.
That's why you need to minimize the negative impact of your words. Remember, the goal isn't to upset each other, it's to resolve an issue. So instead of exclaiming "You're so lazy!" tell him how his actions affect you. Try, "I get tired of planning everything for us and wish you would take over sometimes."
Stop Trying to Figure Out Who Wins
It may be a lovers' quarrel, but victory isn't declared when one of you staggers back to the bedroom, clutching your wounded heart in your hands. "People often fixate on who's right, which distracts them from finding a solution," says Karney. "Conflicts are resolved quickly and more successfully when neither party feels compelled to proclaim, 'See that? I'm right!' "
For starters, find something you both can agree on (even if it means admitting that, OK, maybe you do send him a few too many texts while he's out with his friends). Then focus on finding a happy medium. For example, say, "I know it annoys you when I bombard you with text messages, but I get worried when you take forever to reply. Let's find a way to handle this so that we're both comfortable." This way, there's much less toddlerlike head butting.
Remember You're a Couple
We know this is a tall order, but if you can express positive emotions during an argument, you'll have a more satisfying relationship two or three years down the road, according to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family. "When couples are able to communicate closeness, affection (for example, a touch on the arm or the cheek), and even humor in the midst of an argument, the impact of harsher words is diminished," Karney says. "Positive interactions say that you still like and love each other, and you're committed to the relationship even in the worst of times."
And you can even go a step further by incorporating some playful ribbing: Couples who lightly tease each other during a conflict wind up feeling more in love when the disagreement finally blows over, according to a study conducted at the University of California at Berkeley. It may mean using funny nicknames for each other or making a self-deprecating joke. Just steer clear of comments that may wound your egos, such as negative remarks about intelligence, personal hygiene, or bedroom behavior.
It comes down to this: Even though your guy has the ability to drive you up the wall sometimes, at the end of the day you really do love the big lug—and if you can remember this during the toughest moments together, your bond will remain strong.
source: http://www.genconnect.com/relationships/expert-dating-relationship-expert-fight-less-love-more-tips-laurie-puhn/
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-help
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